When Is It Time to Leave Your Trainer?

Deciding to break up with a trainer is never easy and often emotional. Learn the signs that indicate it might be time to move on and how to leave on good terms.

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The rider-trainer relationship often starts with high hopes, ambitious goals and goodwill on both sides. But over time, differences in opinion, values and styles of teaching and relating become increasingly apparent to you, your trainer or both. So, how do you know when it’s time to move on from your trainer?

Having the break-up conversation with a trainer is never easy or fun. Akin to ripping off a Band-Aid, it’s often best to be direct and just get it over with. The longer you put it off, the more anxious and miserable you’ll continue to feel. ©Amy K. Dragoo

For most riders, this can be a very difficult decision with many factors involved and emotions often run high. We’ll help you navigate your options in these tricky situations to help you determine when it’s time to start looking for a new trainer and offer advice on how to have a healthy break-up with your current trainer to avoid any hard feelings. Plus, Olympian Courtney King-Dye provides advice on how to find the right trainer for both you and your horse.

Why to Consider Breaking Up with Your Trainer

You constantly feel undue pressure to commit to lessons, training or a competition schedule beyond your interest, time or financial means, even after you’ve made your goals clear.
You repeatedly feel overfaced by your trainer’s lesson plans and expectations.
You feel like you can’t talk to your trainer. While you don’t need to be best buds with her, you should feel free to share your thoughts and be able to openly communicate about your goals, concerns or your horse’s care.
Your trainer frequently shouts to make a point, seems to go out of her way to humiliate you or others or plays students off one another.
You find yourself strongly questioning your trainer’s judgement on training, instructing, barn management or safety.
You’re in any way concerned about your horse’s health, daily care and overall wellbeing.
Your trainer’s fees and/or board has just gotten too expensive for your current situation.
Or, maybe you’re ready for more advanced training that your current trainer can’t provide. (Good trainers should recognize this and help you make the right transition.)

Tactics to Try Before Leaving

Try to have a frank conversation with your trainer about how you’re feeling. If you have already, give it another try to determine whether you can get on the same page. ©Alana Harrison

Honestly reflect on your contributions to the relationship. More often than not, one party is rarely responsible for all the problems in an unsatisfactory situation. Take inventory of your own actions. Is there any chance you’ve been unrealistic or too demanding? Even if you haven’t, self-reflection is always helpful in these situations.
Have a frank conversation with your trainer. If you’ve already tried that, give it one more go. She’s not a mind reader, after all, and maybe she feels things are heading in the right direction. Good trainers will appreciate the feedback and be open to changes that might benefit the relationship.
To gain some perspective, participate in clinics with other trainers to get a sense for their teaching and training styles. This can also give you insights on your current trainer—maybe she does know what she’s talking about after all. Perhaps, you overestimated your or your horse’s abilities.

When It’s Time to Go

If you find yourself constantly worrying about the situation and come to the realization that what should be your happy place at the barn has turned into a feeling of dread, then it’s probably wise to make a change. After all, riding and spending time with your horse is supposed to bring you joy and provide you with confidence and feelings of accomplishment.

We’re not going to sugarcoat it. Having the break-up conversation with your trainer isn’t going to be easy or fun. Akin to ripping off a Band-Aid, it’s often best to be direct and just get it over with. The longer you put it off, the more anxious and miserable you’ll continue to feel.

Here are a few examples of what you can say in your trainer break-up:

“This is very hard for me to say, but I plan to move to a different barn. I appreciate all of your help, but I thought a lot about this and I just feel like it’s the right decision for me and my horse at this particular time.”
“I wish I could say this was working out for me, but it just isn’t. I hope you can understand. I’m just not happy here and I think it’s time to make a change.”
“After last month’s issues, I just don’t feel comfortable here anymore. Honestly, I don’t think either of us is very happy right now and it’s probably best for me to move on.”

Or, if there is another specific reason behind your decision, just be honest and try that approach. For example:

“I’ve loved working with you and appreciate everything you’ve taught me and my horse, by I’m unfortunately on a tighter budget right now, and I just can’t afford to board and train with you anymore.”
“I appreciate that you see my and my horse’s talents, but I’m just not interested or able to commit to the competition schedule you’d like for me to maintain. So, I’m going to find a barn and trainer that’s more in line with my personal goals and time limitations.”

Additional Considerations

If you’re constantly worrying and come to the realization that what should be your happy place at the barn has turned into a feeling of dread, then it’s probably wise to break up with your current trainer. After all, riding and spending time with your horse should bring you joy. ©Amy K. Dragoo

If possible, try to give your trainer two weeks to a month’s notice to ensure she’s not left with an empty stall or unexpected income loss.
Always have a back-up plan for your horse before announcing your decision to leave—just in case things turn ugly and you’re suddenly not comfortable or unwelcome at the barn anymore.
Once you’ve told your trainer the news, let her respond and listen. It’s always important to remain respectful of one another. While rider/trainer relationships should be professional, they also tend to be important relationships because they connect you to your horse and passion. So don’t be surprised if you feel grief to some extent once the partnership is over.
Keep in mind that you cannot control how your trainer or others react. But you can be kind, courteous and professional about your decision and communication with your trainer. In the horse world, it’s wise to avoid burning bridges; you never know what could change in the future, including your own perspective.

How To Find the Right Trainer for You AND Your Horse

Here, Olympic dressage rider Courtney King-Dye offers her advice on finding the right dressage trainer based on your and your horse’s specific needs and goals.

There’s a big difference between choosing a good instructor for you and a good trainer for your horse. If your horse needs a trainer then, of course, you’ll want to choose the best rider, but if you want someone to teach you, I suggest evaluating other things.

To help you find the right trainer, carefully assess the personal goals you have for both you and your horse. ©Alana Harrison

Ask yourself why you are riding, and choose the instructor who will help you toward that goal. Not everyone wants to go to the Olympics. You may just want to learn and enjoy your horse, and that is absolutely fine. Some instructors happily accommodate this goal, but some (like me) cannot tear themselves away from perfecting the basics before moving on. A good instructor should be able to explain things in a clear, comprehensible way that allows you to progress toward whatever goal you may have.

Choose someone who suits your needs. When I was competing a lot, I knew I couldn’t give people a lot of attention and was surprised at how many who—despite telling me they wanted a great deal and me telling them I couldn’t supply it—still wanted to come. I had to turn people down because I knew I couldn’t make them happy. Try to make this decision on your own.

Be sure to choose someone you want to be like, both in riding position and in attitude. This is not just to ensure that they teach you the correct things. Even if you don’t do it purposely, your brain is telling your muscles to mimic what it sees. The attitude toward the horse is equally as transferable through the eyes. You want to see balance between correction and reward. At the end of a ride, you want to see both the horse and the instructor motivated for the next ride even if they had trouble. So I recommend only watching riders you want to emulate.

A good trainer should be able to explain things in a clear, comprehensible way that allows you to progress toward whatever goal you may have. ©Alana Harrison

It’s also important to know how you learn. Some people learn from “yellers,” while others get tied up and can’t react when someone yells at them. Some people learn from gentle coaxing; others need a kick in the butt. Some instructors are methodological explainers, and there are some who don’t know the “why,” they just know what to do. There are very few trainers who can adjust their method, so choose someone with a teaching style you can learn from. And remember not to train with someone long-term just because a friend said that person is great. Go and watch a couple of lessons before you decide.

About Courtney King-Dye

Courtney King-Dye represented the United States at the 2008 Olympic Games riding Harmony’s Mythilus and at two World Cup Finals riding Idocus. She is a U.S. Dressage Federation (USDF) Certified Instructor through Fourth Level and USDF gold medalist.